All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
You Might Also Like
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.