All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Go girl power!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home