All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets