All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying