All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Room with a view.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.