All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Just had my nails done!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef