all that yoga finally paid off
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”