all that yoga finally paid off
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?