all that yoga finally paid off
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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Found my door mat
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Good morning
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”