all that yoga finally paid off
You Might Also Like
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
he was correct
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”