all that yoga finally paid off
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me: