*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.