Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

This is my brand.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Twitter fine art

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Me when my alarm goes off

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did