You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
#SCOTUS one-star review
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
never deleting this app.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.