all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
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*lint rolls you awake*
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Spa day..😅
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The devil.
When they try to steal your moment.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Botany good plants lately?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.