Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

A dead goose is called a ghoost

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Sooo many times…..

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

monday

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”