Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.