All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
me in a relationship:
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.