All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
What about second breakfast?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Cndnsd Mlk
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
he’ll never suspect a thing
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!