Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

this will hang in the louvre one day

I am, perchance