Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

@funTweeters I am at your service….

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them