All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
#CatsOnTwitter
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot