All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Dammit Chief not again
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.