All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Candles never taste the way they smell
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.