All. The. Damn. Time.
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
hand it over!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Botany good plants lately?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
