All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???