Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Every house has this drawer

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops