All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.