Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

when a toddler tells a story

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.