All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Is your wife single?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
True?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing