All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Just as the prophecy foretold
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
I feel attacked.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue