All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case