Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

Admin smashed it 😂

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.