@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

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@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

@QueefTornado

Me: This chicken is undercooked.

Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.

Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

@ewfeez

Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@vanluvz1

I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

@bader_diedrich

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

@shutupmikeginn

Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall

@texasstalkermom

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

@amechamecha

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..