All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
@ candidates for local office
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.