Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

This hospital has everything

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?