Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

pelicons

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

japanese corn

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”