All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Pikachu found the lost joint
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Morning my dudes.
