Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop