ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda