Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.