ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.