All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.