Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

me as a parent

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*