“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice