“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt