Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.