Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.