Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan