All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The Backseat Boys
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”