Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Sunday

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is