Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined