Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

🥴

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.