@BoogTweets

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

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@AIMMadellynne

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@SirEviscerate

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

@kevnasto

I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

@dafloydsta

Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.

Apparently.

@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.