All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?


I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?


Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.


There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.


I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.


“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.


Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.



Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.