All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
You Might Also Like
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
BaD BoY!!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
584.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*