all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I am never leaving this website
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.