all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
You Might Also Like
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?