All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
the three branches of government
They did not think through this water fountain
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?