Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

This kid is going places

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.