All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
True
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.