All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc