Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.