Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U