All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time