Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.