All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
There’s never enough good news
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after