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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Wednesday
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct