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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
This meal prepping shit easy
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.