All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“you recording!?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.