All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.