all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Grandpa
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.