Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.