all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Alexa turn off the planet
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
TWEET CALL
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?