all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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181.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.